“I Do All of the Giving in My Relationship”

Response to a question from a reader.

Lana:  I do all of the giving in my relationship with my boyfriend and all he cares about is himself.  He’s rude and totally self-centered.  I feel down on myself for not standing up for myself.  I’d appreciate some advice on what I should do.

Jane: You're talking as though your response is an objective reality response.  I suggest you consider that it is, instead, an emotionally triggered response.  The issue for you is probably not about your boyfriend being self-centered.  It's not about some outrageous thing occurring.  It's not about you standing up for your rights.

It's probably more about that you give and give and give and expect to get a certain thing back in return.  And when you don't get it back, you get upset. So you're upset, not because he's a horrible person, but because there is something you do that is not in your best interest.  You do it for a particular result you think you're going to get back.  And when you don't get it back, you get upset.

But you shouldn't have been doing it in the first place.  You did it for the wrong reason.  And that's the reason you're upset, not because he's being rude.  The cause of patterns like that are unconscious childhood limiting decisions*.  In your case it might be something like "self-interest is selfish," or "being selfless is virtuous."

In general, every time a person makes a limiting decision*, they also create an emotional defense system, which defends you against feeling the pain of that limiting decision*.  This often takes the form of certain kinds of behaviors people do to compensate for or buffer yourself against the limiting decision*.  That is, by definition, controlling other people.  This is just the way the human psyche works. People are manipulating each other all of the time on subtle levels.  And it's not on a level that people usually notice or see. 

If you have the limiting decision* that going after your own self-interest is selfish, then you may think the way it works is you are supposed to give others what they desire and they are supposed to give you what you desire in return.  And you might think that if you keep over-giving, your boyfriend will have to eventually give to you.  Since you believe going after your self-interest is selfish, you very likely avoid giving yourself what you need and desire.  As a result you end up being needy or controlling, which other people may experience as draining.  This means they're less likely to give to you.

You are holding in place a dysfunctional pattern between you and your boyfriend – actually both of you are probably holding it in place.  When you clear the limiting decision* that is causing you to do that, and as a result stop doing it, you will no longer be participating in that dysfunctional way of relating with him.  And then that will put pressure on him to change how he is relating to you.

*Limiting decisions: An NLP term used in NLP TimeLine counseling sessions to mean unconscious decisions, made in early childhood, that are some form of that life doesn't work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you -- such as "I am powerless," "bad," "unlovable;" "People can't be trusted," and so on.  Limiting decisions are never true.  NLP TimeLine counseling sessions facilitate clearing limiting decisions, in order to release the negative patterns in your life that are caused by them.  For more information on limiting decisions and NLP TimeLine sessions, go to: http://www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services

I invite you to leave any questions or comments in the below comments field.

Author's Bio:  Jane Ilene Cohen, Ph.D. is an Intuitive & Transformational NLP Counselor, and an NLP & TimeLine Master Practitioner and Hypnotherapist, with a private practice in San Diego North County (Encinitas). She does individual counseling with children and adults (includes the NLP TimeLine Process and hypnosis), works with couples, families and other relationships, and facilitates groups and workshops.  She is also the Founder of the "Life is Meant to Work" thought system.

For more about Dr. Cohen's counseling services, go to www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services .  For a free phone consultation to decide if this is right for you, or to make an appointment, call Dr. Cohen at (760) 753-0733.

Views: 29


You need to be a member of The Panacea Community to add comments!

Join The Panacea Community

Subscribing Above

By joining The Panacea Community above, you will be joining our self-empowerment newsletter where we will be sending you empowering information regarding personal growth, self exploration, health, wellness, and lifestyle improvements including blogs, articles, events, products, and services.  We usually only send one email per week and it is always pertinent and empowering information.  You may unsubscribe at any time simply by clicking the link at the bottom of the email.  We never rent, sell, or share your information with anyone.


How to Write a Valuable Blog Post that Gets Published and Read by the Community

Started by The Panacea Community in News and Community Information. Last reply by Nathan Crane Aug 2, 2014. 4 Replies

Blog posts are a great way to share valuable information with the community while increasing your presence as an author, speaker, or expert in your industry.As a blog writer, you can be considered an expert in your field when you share practical how-to information based on a specific category, or by writing about specific news topics and how that can positively impact people's lives.Every week we will take the top 7 blog articles and send them out in our newsletter and social media sites, going…Continue

Tags: writing a health and wellness blog, spiritual blog post writing, writing blogs, how to write a valuable blog post

Lightning in a Bottle Returns to California

Started by Nathan Crane in News and Community Information Mar 18, 2014. 0 Replies

Immediate ReleaseMarch 17, 2014  Moby, Little Dragon, Phantogram & Gramatik to Headline Lightning in a Bottle Festival 2014! The music lineup for the 9th annual Lightning in a Bottle Music and Arts Festival has been announced, featuring Moby, Little Dragon, Phantogram, Gramatik, Beats Antique, Amon Tobin, Baauer, Gold Panda, Simian Mobile Disco, Claude VonStroke and more!  This internationally renowned transformative experience also includes the sounds of The Polish Ambassador, Damian…Continue

Tags: lightning in a bottle

Peters Organic World - Rich Healthy Compost, Worm Castings, and Compost Tea

Started by Nathan Crane in News and Community Information Feb 16, 2014. 0 Replies

Peters Organic World is the leader, specializing in providing high nutrient density worm  castings, compost, compost tea, natural organic soil building amendments and natural fertilizers for gardens, farms, landscapers, nurseries, grasses, and hydroponics. Our plant health care is truly different than most because of our focused approach to living soil which  …Continue

Tags: worm castings, organic compost, organic, peters, compost tea

Free Video Series on Healing Cancer Naturally

Started by Nathan Crane in News and Community Information Feb 6, 2014. 0 Replies

Leading Experts and Doctors Share Their Newest Discoveries About Cancer and How to Prevent, Heal, and Possibly Reverse its Debilitating EffectsIf you or a…Continue

Tags: healing cancer naturally, cure to cancer

Panacea Publishing, Inc. - A Conscious Publishing Community

Started by Nathan Crane in News and Community Information Jan 4, 2014. 0 Replies

 Panacea Publishing Inc., a division of The Panacea Community, is a one of a kind full scale Conscious Publishing Company.Panacea means, “the solution to all diseases, sickness, and ailments.”  Therefore in accordance with our name, we are dedicated to finding and sharing powerful solutions to help hundreds of millions of people reverse disease, enjoy health, and…Continue

Tags: personal growth publishing, recommended websites, personal development books, panacea, nathan crane

Freedom from What? Excerpt from Alan Cohen

Started by Nathan Crane in News and Community Information. Last reply by Helga Danielsen Jul 4, 2013. 1 Reply

In the film Broadcast News, a neophyte reporter who is intensely happy, asks a veteran newsman what to do when your real life exceeds your dreams. The elder tells the fellow to just keep it to himself.The oddest effect of happiness is that other people are annoyed by it. Misery does love company, so a joyful person poses a threat to those steeped in sorrow. This is so for several reasons:First, people who perceive a reward for being lost, sick, alone, poor, or victimized have an investment in…Continue

Tags: how to be happy, happiness, 27 flavors, alan cohen, freedom

Energize Your Divine Connection with Cristina Smith

Started by Nathan Crane in Forum and Discussions Jun 19, 2013. 0 Replies

We have just completed the third class in the first month and tribe of our 13 month coaching program! Today, Cristina Smith, showed us how to connect with the Perfection of Our Higher Self.We put together a free sample replay of Cristina's call here so you can get a sense and feel of how powerful this coaching program truly is.DOWNLOAD AND LISTEN TO CRISTINA'S SAMPLE CALL HERE…Continue

Tags: transformational, tribes, 13, coaching, an

Breaking the Code – Receiving the Divine Guidance Encoded in Every Dream with David Dibble

Started by Nathan Crane in Forum and Discussions Jun 19, 2013. 0 Replies

We have just completed the third class in the first month and tribe of our 13 month coaching program! Last week David Dibble, author and creator of New DreamWork, showed us how we can understand the deeper meaning of our dreams.We put together a free sample replay of David's call here so you can get a sense and feel of how powerful this coaching program truly is.DOWNLOAD AND LISTEN TO…Continue

Tags: dream interpretation, intepreting dreams, meaning of dreams, nathan crane, dreamwork dna

Thank you

Started by Bob Miller in Forum and Discussions May 24, 2013. 0 Replies

I feel extremely blessed to be part of this amazing community of travelers. I intend to learn and grow as much as possible and to contribute whenever possible.Continue




© 2017   Created by The Panacea Community.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service